2007-09-25T11:48:00.000-05:00

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Here is a complete list of questions that I have been asked by readers through email or blog comments.

Blog Questions:

Do you make things up on your blog?

No. Contrary to popular misconception, I do not make things up on my blog. My mother, husband, friends, and other people who have been poked fun at will probably tell you otherwise--but they're acting out of self preservation. I often change names to protect the innocent, and I occasionally use my artistic license to embellish the truth, but absolutely nothing is pulled out of thin air.

Then why did your blog say "I make things up...all the time" at the top?

I was poking fun at Susan, a not-so-friendly reader from the Midwest. If you started reading after the Susan incident, check out the post titled Shout Outs! from August 9th, 2007.

Are you funny in person?

It depends. If I am at all intimidated by you (meaning you're taller, smarter, thinner, prettier, have a decent job, well dressed, more spiritual, etc.), then no, I will not be funny. But if you're average like me (or do an adequate job concealing your personal strengths and talents), then there's a good chance I will make you pee your pants--or at the very least, you'll accidentally let a fart slip out while laughing.

Professional Questions:

Are you really a babysitter with a masters degree?

Yes, I really am a babysitter with a masters degree. My contract negotiation skills have been indispensable in my career pursuit--trust me, I can trick a toddler into sharing his pretzels like no one else.

My babysitting career fills me with endless fulfillment and was well worth the tens-of-thousands of dollars that I have wracked up in students loan debt--a true investment if you will.

What subject area is your degree in?

I have a Master's in Public Administration. Please show some respect by addressing all correspondence to Amy Lawson, M.P.A.

What is public administration?

I don't know.

No, really. What is public administration?

Listen, I got through graduate school by using two types of trickery:
1) Wikipedia
2) feigning frustration (hint: if your professor thinks you're frustrated, then they automatically assume that you're trying).

So seriously, I don't know.

What did you do for work before you had James?

Mmm--not much of significance. I had a work study in the Human Resource Office at UMaine one year. I've also had an internship and a graduate assistantship. I worked with foster children for a year, I worked in a chiropractic office for six months, and my highest paying job to date was as a pirate impersonator on a boat called the Sea Gypsy. Argh.

Geographical Questions:

Are you originally from Maine?

No. I'm originally from Connecticut. I went to college in Maine and lived there for a few years after.

Why do you like Maine so much? Is it really that cool?

Yes, Maine is really that cool. It has lakes, ocean, wilderness, small cities, small towns, classy people, hicks, and moose. It's awesome. Also, women don't really wear makeup, and instead of bringing our large trash to the dump, Jared and I used to bring it down a dirt road, set it up in a sand pit, and shoot it with a shotgun. If you ever come to visit us, we'll show you what bird-shot does to a microwave oven--it's hard to describe with words.

What town in Maine are you moving to?

Well, we're not totally certain yet, but we're deciding between Busytown, Fakeville, Prettyplace, and Why-in-the-hell-would-I-tell-you-that-kind-of-information-alopolis.

Are there Mormons in Maine?

Yes, there are twelve Mormons in Maine, and they are all related to Jared.

Are there Mormons in Dallas?

Yes, there kazillions of Mormons in Dallas and they are all related to Mitt Romney.

Will you miss Dallas?

No, I will not miss the actual city of Dallas, but I will miss my friends. Two of my all-time-favorite-friends-in-the-history-of-the-universe live in Dallas. They're both, like SO much fun.

Fun Questions:

Speaking of fun, what do you like to do for fun?

~~I like to compose original music, paint in oils, sew my own clothes, travel, do community service, help Jared with home repairs, and participate in a variety of water sports every weekend.~~

Fiiiine, that was a lie. I like to watch TV, eat chocolate, put items on my credit card, drive an unregistered vehicle, avoid cleaning at all costs, and watch a little more TV.

Do you play any instruments?

Sure do! Ten years ago I played the drumset in my high school jazz band. And today, I play the guitar with great pizzazz. If you ever come over, I'll play you "Leaving on a Jet Plane" ten times--then I'll play it ten more times. That pretty much sums up my repertoire.

Jared Questions:

What's Jared like?

It's not at all difficult to describe Jared. He has the humor of Will Ferrell encapsulated in the body of David Beckham. I'm a very lucky girl.

Are you his only wife?

Yes. You're an idiot.

Is he Mormon, too?

Yes, Jared is as Mormon as they come. With the exception of a Buddhist aunt from Vietnam, every single member of Jared's family is Mormon (some aren't practicing).

My immediate family is a happy mix of Catholics, Congregationalists, and Mormons. If you throw in the extended family, we've got Baptists, born-agains, and new-aged spiritualists. In short, we're fans of Popes, Prophets and Pastors of all types.

Once Jared is a chiropractor, will he adjust your readers for free?

Oh sure, why the hell not? We will also accept magic beans, dried flowers, and stray animals as forms of payment from the general public.

Running Questions:

If you don't like to run, then why do you do it?

That is a very legitimate question. I run because I am in the middle of a long-term love affair with baked goods, and I just can't seem to quit. In all honesty, I find it much easier to run thirty miles a week than to refuse a stale piece of coffee cake.

I live in the Dallas area, can I come cheer you on at your marathon?

Absolutely! Please do! If you actually decide to come and cheer, just email me ahead of time to let me know. I'd love to know where you're standing so I can give you a high five and you can slip me a fun-size Snickers bar. I'm serious. No, seriously.

If you'd like more details about the race, click here. Yes, it's on a Sunday. If the Mormons (and other devoted church-goers) are reluctant to skip services to come and cheer, please email me and I will happily talk you out of that guilt.

Do you lift weights?

Occasionally, but I don't like to do it very often, as it tends to make the other gym members feel jealous and intimidated.

Nosy Questions:

Why did you names your kid James instead of something a little more trendy?

While names like Jefferson and Willis and Zing are very nice, James was my grandfather's name. Jared firmly believes that kids should only be named after family members. The bad news is, I come from a long line of men named Jean-Baptiste and women named Jean-D'Arc.

If your husband is a student, and you're a babysitter, how do you make ends meet?

Um...none of your biznitch? But here's a hint: we drive an '89 Blazer.

Any other questions???

If so, ask away...

The Lawsons Spill Their Guts!